April 2012
1 post
A New Life
To those of you who found and followed this blog via Twitter, thank you for your interest, concern, and supportive messages. My life underwent a fundamental change on March 10 when my little brother committed suicide. It would take the greatest tragedy I have known to be the turning point for moving forward, and that is exactly what has happened. I have taken my blogging to a private blog as I...
March 2012
1 post
I Remember
I remember floating away from my own body. And I remember how I can dissociate from pain.
I remember the smell of alcohol on his breath. And I remember why I am triggered by signs of alcohol abuse.
I remember him pushing my hands out in front of me by my wrists. And I remember seeing myself do this with my hands when I painted.
I remember being so confused. And I remember why being confused by...
February 2012
8 posts
One Year
A year ago today, I realized I have DID. I have had a migraine since yesterday and missed work today as a result. I haven’t been able to do much reflection because my head feels so foggy…perhaps it needs to be this way. I slept almost all day today.
I have much to write about to catch up…more integration, new parts, etc. For today, I feel slowed down and weighted down out of...
Triggered
So, after writing that last post, I sensed that something got triggered and noticed myself feeling anxious. When I started breathing harder, I decided to check my heart rate. I’ve been sitting comfortably in a reclined position for over an hour.
Resting heart rate right now? 105 BPM.
The experience of a resting heart rate at 105 is quite physically uncomfortable, FYI. I can feel my...
Pieces
In my much younger years of writing, themes of ‘broken pieces’ littered my books. It is astonishing to me when I stumble upon such old writing that, even though I didn’t know what was going on, I knew.
I relived a new memory in therapy this week, and for the first time, I re-experienced not only the body memory of terror, panic, and pain, but also experienced the visual...
The 'I-Didn't-Commit-Suicide' Party
The time has arrived, the party is scheduled, and I am in LOVE with being alive.
To all of you who have supported me through my darkest times, thank you so very much. I have already done so much healing that I cannot foresee ever being in such a dark place again. I am too much stronger, too much of my fierce self to not be able to hold on to the beautiful things I enjoy about being alive. Hard...
Reclaiming Me
Part 4, Katie, integrated during therapy this week. I was very attuned to sound after this integration. It was a more subtle experience than previously and equally as wondrous.
A new part came to my awareness while I was at work on Wednesday. Her job was to put on a great show and to do cartwheels and backflips to try and get people to love me for reasons other than sex. This was a sad...
Terror Hurts More Than Pain
I experienced a new flashback this week that was more intense than any I’ve experienced before. The experience brought with it a great deal of reflection and, I believe, new learning on my part. I have written before about a part that is 2 years old and terrified. After I initially recognized her, she faded away and I lost track of her. She resurfaced this week and I felt what she lived...
It Can All Happen So Quickly
Part 17 identified in therapy this week. Older teen part, 15, highly sexualized and alcoholic. I had barely been able to identify the part and try and get memories contained by the time I left therapy, and I integrated that part on my drive back to work. It was so subtle that I was questioning if it had even really happened or if I was making shit up in my head…and then I quickly realized...
January 2012
7 posts
Me, Trying to Keep Up With The Fucking Count!
13) The part who carried shame. She was weighted down by a black chain-link blanket; shame. I always thought it was interesting that I couldn’t relate to the feeling of shame, despite reading about it so frequently and hearing and seeing it in others. Duh. That part of me carried all of it and was completely isolated from the rest of my system. I am discovering that many parts of myself...
No More Safety Net
“I’m in here, can anybody see me? Can anybody help? I’m in here, a prisoner of history. Can anybody help? Can’t you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now? I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me. I need you to hold all of the sadness I cannot live with inside of me. I’m in here, I’m trying to tell you something. Can anybody help? ...
Memory Vomit
After a year in treatment, I am finally set to start re-processing actual traumatic memories as of this week. I have come to terms with my system, learned to contain traumatic memories, have access to my internal resources, and am ready to heal and move on with my life. I grow tired and annoyed, quite frankly, with the ways in which my past continues to rob my present of the full wealth of...
Integration
I have realized that part of why I have procrastinated for so long in writing about integration is that it’s simply impossible to fully represent with words. I have experienced it twice now and I could never truly express what it’s like in writing. I have not felt compelled to paint it, which I also find interesting…I suspect that time will come later.
For now, this is the...
Us, Count Updated
11, 12) The 13s. Two 13-year-old parts created when I was molested by the man who lived in our house that I trusted as my big brother— my mother’s best friend’s son. Two parts engulfed in a ball of flames. Initially, I thought it was just one part whose job was to channel a lifetime of rage and use that energy for productive ends, like getting a 4.0 in school, having the...
Us, The Current Count
1) Annie/Shell: Integrated 12/14. Shell + Me= MeShell. Michelle. “She is more me than me”
2) The scared one. Very young…2ish. Nonverbal. Terrified. Needs a lot of comfort and safety.
3) Formerly Jerry. Jerry? I can barely remember all of their names. Young boy, 7ish. Carried the weight when it was overwhelming so I could continue to function. Gave up his job a few...
I'm not quite done with 2011 yet...
It’s 2012, and everything as I knew it has changed. Everything.
I keep coming back to this blog with the intention of documenting the day of first reintegration, documenting the flurry of recently emerged parts, writing about the dramatic shifts in my experiences at the end of 2011…and I simply don’t want to do it. Not sure why yet. It’s a lot to tackle in writing, and...
December 2011
3 posts
The First Time
The house was silent. No music, no movement…just the rhythmic ticking of the living room clock. When I took my coffee and sat outside, Nomi was silent. No traffic, no barking dogs, no birds, no airplanes, no people talking in the distance…just the quiet roar of a cold breeze in my ears. As I sat in the sun smiling, it hit me like a big ocean wave pushing into my chest and filling...
The NON-Suicide Letter
Dearest Loves,
I have reached the brink and am staring at the edge of the cliff. I am writing this letter to all of you in an effort to ask for help, clarify the help that I need, and to name that I am in a place of truly needing help in order to survive this time in my life. It is not a matter of ‘can’. I know how strong I am, better than anyone, and that I could survive far...
Birthday #2
I went from my own birthday in September, feeling that things were turning a corner, to my mother’s birthday today and feeling like I’m sinking again. The amount of grief I’m trying to make it through right now is an unbelievable weight upon me. Grief can’t be contained like flashbacks can. It just sits, and hurts, and presses upon me. It would be fucking awesome if...
November 2011
1 post
The Nightmare Continues
When I was little, the greatest despair and pain I experienced came with feeling utterly alone in the world. No one knew what was going on, no one was there to help me, no one was there to comfort me, no one came to rescue me, tiny little girl that I was. I experience flashbacks of these feelings regularly, almost daily now. Those flashbacks include feeling depressed, and sometimes suicidal. ...
September 2011
7 posts
Grief
I think I always thought that if anyone was actually going to commit suicide, it would be me. I don’t think I ever seriously considered what it would be like to have my friend kill himself while I continued to live. This was supposed to be the weekend that I got to see him, to give him a huge hug and tell him in person how much I love and care about him, to remind him that he’s not...
And the Corner Has Been Turned
Text 9/13/2011 7:29 PM
Dad: Wishing you a Happy Birthday!! Love dad
9/13/2011 7:37 PM
Me: I appreciate that you txted. It would be better if you would at least acknowledge having received my e-mail, even if you choose not to address it.
9/13/2011 8:22 PM
Me: So be it. I still love you no matter what, very much. Thank you for thinking of me on my birthday.
Someday,...
The Big Day
I’ve been dreading today for quite a while now, and it’s finally here…my birthday. I have always had a partial aversion to my birthdays and never fully understood why until last week when I was making birthday plans (therapy assignment, of course) and was triggered by the phrase “birthday wishes”. I let some new memories come forward when I could feel them...
Crashing
I think sometime last week I described to my second partner my experience of trying to fly and keep myself in the air. I feel like a bird that unexpectedly gets smacked out of the air toward the ground, with varying degrees of pain and suffering that I suddenly crash into depending on where and how I land. Sometimes I hit the grass and bounce, sometimes I land on rocks, sometimes I land on...
Closer to One
The other day on my way in to work, I had a conversation of sorts with Annie. I have gotten comfortable with going inward and communicating with parts, and I think I’ve gotten decent at hearing what they have to say. In light of discovering that Annie herself has her own parts, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to literally teach that part of myself what it feels like for me when parts are...
August 2011
9 posts
New Information Day
1) Parts can have parts? Seriously?? How in the fuck am I supposed to keep up with this shit?
2) The discovery of parts’ parts has brought on new, more threatening memories. I discovered numerous parts today, some of whom have the job of scaring other parts into keeping secrets. It is ugly, frightening, and sad that there are little kids in there having to fill the role of scaring other...
Learning Curve
I have to find a way to stop being surprised when my understanding of myself changes in major ways. I’ve begun to refer to Annie and my adult part as my ‘primary parts’, as in primary adult-functioning parts. I’m sure this will change over time as well but that’s what makes sense today. I’m still grappling with the concept of cohabitation, which is the idea...
I Am Less Me Than She Is
My entire perception of myself shifted during therapy today. It was a good thing, but as always, I get tired of how my entire paradigm and perceptions have to shift so frequently. Annie communicated with me loud and clear about her role, and how I clearly didn’t fully understand what was going on. And truly, I did not understand.
Not only is she me, SHE is actually more of the real me...
New Information and Life Isn't Fair...I Get It
I’m struggling a bit today to not get depressed or feel bitter about the rollercoaster that is my mood and my life. I had a massive upswing in mood at the end of the week as I was turning a corner with my workload and was VERY excited for all sorts of upcoming fun. I was able to enjoy it for about 32 hours. My windows of feeling happy and truly enjoying my life seem so small, and...
I Am Not A Morning Person
I never was a huge morning person, but I used to still love being up early in the morning. Now mornings are the hardest part of my day, especially when I first get up. Nothing is contained and I feel ALL of it every morning. I feel a lifetime of suffering in my chest. I feel how tired I truly am. I hear my darker thoughts and I hear my parts. It is a painful part of my existence.
I have a...
Just Try Harder & Stop Being So Damn Lazy
So yesterday, I woke up in the darkness and sunk all the way down until I actually touched the bottom. It was so awful that I truly can’t even write about it in any detail. It’s the worst I have felt since all of this DID shit started, and it was a place I had hoped I would never have to revisit as I haven’t been there in years. I took care of myself and coped with it as I...
Good Feelings Gone
Back to work today and the reality of life came crashing in on me, after one weekend of beautiful respite and peace. Massive stressors going on at work, some of the worst I’ve faced in my current position. I reached the end of my work day feeling unsure of how I will make it through all of this, yet again.
And then I had a peculiar experience on my way home. System turned on and parts...
A Day Off
I managed to have an ENTIRE day off today. A day off for me means no flashbacks and no triggering of my system or any parts. I rarely get these…it’s been at least a month…and they’re so fucking fantastic. They are days when I get to feel like ‘me’. Today, I was able to fully enjoy my existence and to believe that I’m going to make it. No crying, no...
July 2011
18 posts
To all my Loves...
With everything I have going on, I have had limited time to write, and I have occasionally considered what I want the purpose of this blog to be for me. I wrote earlier about starting to come out about having DID with people outside of my core support system. I have done that with two new people this week; my best friend from childhood and another friend whom I met at work. Both experiences...
Coming Out
Living with DID can be so isolating and lonely. I’ve been going through a process of ‘coming out’, much like I did about my sexual orientation. I have tried to make careful choices about with whom I share…I need people to be safe. Some draw closer, some move away, but so far, nothing terribly hurtful has happened. I just came out to a friend from childhood and will be...
With Gratitude
I have to remind myself to focus on the things for which I am grateful…frequently. Today, I am grateful for all of my loves, without whom I would not be surviving this journey. They make me smile, laugh, share and receive love, and experience life with my fullest capacity to be alive. I am also grateful for my therapist, who heard me loud and clear when I let her know I wasn’t going...
MMUWD
Shartass
Really…I’m not going to bother defining this one. I think it explains itself.
MMUWD
One of my loves has nicknamed me ‘Mico’. It’s an affectionate nickname that I cherish. I frequently make up words to describe my experiences as I so often find language utterly limiting. Language fails me on a regular basis and I keep it no secret that I get frustrated when I cannot use words to express myself. To share my made-up-word humor, I coined ‘MMUWD’,...
