Part 17 identified in therapy this week. Older teen part, 15, highly sexualized and alcoholic. I had barely been able to identify the part and try and get memories contained by the time I left therapy, and I integrated that part on my drive back to work. It was so subtle that I was questioning if it had even really happened or if I was making shit up in my head…and then I quickly realized that I was reading every single piece of written information my eyes could find along the way. Speed limit signs, street signs, license plates…everything. She likes to read and had been encapsulated in a time that was back in WI…she had never seen MN before. And then that shit-eating grin that I get crept across my face and I could not stop smiling or feeling elated. Yes, this was real. I integrated another part.
The final confirmation came when I painted the next day. I have since hung the painting in my living room, and when I really look at it, I simply cannot believe I painted it. I’ve never painted a ‘thing’ before. It felt deliberate. As I stood outside just prior to painting and reflected on how I was feeling after integrating another part, I felt the physical expansion I’ve described before, and thought of the phoenix rising from the ashes…and then I painted it. It was one of the best painting experiences I’ve ever had. It flowed, it was easy, it was enjoyable, and astounding as it was happening. And it was SO much fun!!!
I can see my psyche fighting to piece itself back together through the puzzle pieces of my paintings. I am seeing the gaps get smaller and smaller, and while I still cannot consciously remember certain things, I know they’re there, I’m pretty certain I know what they are, and I see myself preparing for those memories to coalesce. I am all too familiar with the memories of what those experiences caused me to feel in my body- those are primarily what I feel during flashbacks. I am also quite familiar with the frantic cognitive processing that goes with that, my desperate efforts to use my intelligence to predict future pain and avoid it, and to make sense of the pain I feel in the moment in an effort to find a way to make it stop. The visual and auditory pieces of those memories are what are tucked away and are apparently far more threatening to me. I have felt those pieces trying to push their way out prematurely, and have resisted it. I don’t know how I know, but I need to make more progress before I feel ready to face what happened to me in that way…to actually see it through my own eyes. As I think you all know, I’ve also got PLENTY on my fucking plate already right now! It can wait.